The Pen Won't Lie
by RionaleprechaunwingsGallagher
Summary: Temperance Brennan kept a diary to keep a hold of her feelings during those two weeks that Booth was "dead". Now, we have a chance to see what she wrote.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I got this idea from **razztaztic's** Fill in the Blank challenge. But, this is not a part of the challenge. This is those missing two weeks from Booth's "death" to his "funeral". This is Temperance Brennan's diary. This is a personal challenge for myself. Diary entries mean lots of description and very little dialogue. Diary entries mean first person POV. Diary entries get inside the head of the character. All of these things are not my strong suit. So, please enjoy, and I hope I do Brennan justice with her diary.

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Day 1:

Today I woke up after very little sleep, wishing foolishly that last night was just a nightmare. I couldn't change what happened with wishes. But, I foolishly hoped that last night wasn't real. I even called his cell phone to hear him, to talk to him, but it didn't even ring. It went straight to voicemail, and I heard his voice.

_This is Booth. Leave a message, and I'll call you back soon._

I hung up without saying a word. How could I when I knew that he wouldn't call me back ever again?

Last night, I stood in a waiting room and learned what it meant to have my heart break. Booth was taken into surgery at George Washington University Hospital. The doctor came out two hours after myself, Drs. Hodgins, Saroyan, Addy, and Sweets, and Angela arrived. I knew what happened before the doctor even spoke. His eyes were dim, and he looked like he was trying to become more comforting. I knew that Booth was dead. I found it strangely ironic that I could read body language indicators _finally_, but Booth wasn't there to celebrate with me.

The doctor explained about how Booth's heart had given out during surgery and that they had been unable to resuscitate him. He looked straight into my eyes as he said "I'm sorry.", even though Cam and Angela were sobbing. I could barely breathe as I tried to get over the shock and digest the news.

Booth was dead. I'd no longer be able to see his brilliant smile or warm eyes, his strong, masculine body. There would be no more midnight Thai visits, or pop culture education, or guy hugs. No reason for me to keep Pabst Blue Ribbon or Yuengling in my fridge. There would be no more zoo days with him and Parker.

At the thought of Parker, I left the hospital. I wouldn't break in front of the others. I kept seeing the little boy with blonde curls and eyes and smile that matched his father's, and how this would hurt him so much. By the time I reached home, I'd managed to calm myself, but my brain switched to replaying the scene of Booth getting shot.

He stood up, panicked. I heard the gunshot, saw his shoulder jerk back, felt the microphone slip from my grasp, tasted the fear coursing through me as he fell, and smelled his red, red blood that coated my hands and clothes as I tried to stop the bleeding. I relived it all in vivid detail. And, it's all haunting me now. Booth didn't deserve to die. And it's my fault that he's dead. I was the one who kept aggravating Pam Nunan. I was the one who she wanted to take out. I was the one who Booth took the bullet for. It's all my fault that I lost him.

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So, how did you like that? Was I a good Brennan for this first chapter? There will be at least 5 more chapters to this. So, review and make my day. :-)

-AL


	2. Chapter 2

So, seeing as how I have a few of these already written, I'll give you guys another chapter. :-)

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Day 2:

Today, I got up and readied myself for work. Work had always proven to be my refuge against emotional troubles. It worked when we found my mother's body; it worked when my father and brother left me again. And, I needed it to work out this time. I needed to take my mind off Booth's death.

When I arrived at work, I was the only one there. I knew Cam would probably give everyone time off. I didn't want time off. I wanted to work until I could lock my emotions away in a box like I've done since I was fifteen years old. In order for this to work, I locked myself in Modular Bone Storage and refused to answer my cell phone. I tuned everything out and focused on identifying set of remains after set of remains. I was able to get through five or six sets. Angela called throughout the day, but she gave up around 4 o'clock.

An hour later, I heard Angela come in. I was just finishing up the last set of remains that I had identified as a WWII soldier.

"Come on, Bren," she said. "You are not locking yourself in here. You are not going back to 6am to 10pm or longer days. We're getting dinner and going home."

I noticed that she carefully avoided saying Booth's name. Until Booth and I became partners, I never left the lab for anyone. But, it was different now. I knew that she was hurting, too. If it weren't for Angela, I would have kept working until I was too tired. We got dinner, and Angela came home with me. We watched movies, and it made me wish for Booth's company. He would have explained the parts I didn't understand. He would've slipped his arm around my shoulders and let me use him as a pillow when I got sleepy. He would've rested his head on mine and fallen asleep, and we'd have woken up with stiff necks but matching smiles.

Instead, Angela sighed over the attractive men, wrapped her arms around herself, and left when the movie ended.

I wanted to have Booth back.

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Please leave a review. I hope that I am doing justice to Brennan.

-AL


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, here's a short one, because Brennan isn't really in the mood to write. But, here's another chapter.

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Day 3:

This morning, I woke up breathing hard. My dreams were a vivid trip down memory lane. A chronologically ordered movie of us. Our first case, him trying to get me to talk to him for a year, him stopping me at the airport, Aurora, Christmas, Kenton, the case with the dead soldier, when we found my mother, Cam's arrival, Vegas, the Gravedigger, Sully, staying, Gormogon, Christmas, my father's trial, and it ended with him bleeding out underneath my fingers and dying in my arms.

I couldn't control my emotions anymore. Tears pricked behind my eyes before sliding down my cheeks. I needed Booth, and it was too late to tell him that. I curled up in my bed, hiding under the blankets. I sobbed into my pillow, allowing myself just today to cry and grieve. After all, Booth was my partner and friend. Nothing more. People wouldn't expect me to break because of him. Be upset, yes, but not break. But, here I was, sobbing. Because I'd lost the best man that I've ever known.

I think I hated Booth just a little bit. If we had never met, I never would have had these problems. I never would have gotten my brain and heart mixed up. I would have remained logical and rational at all times. And, my broken heart dearly wished that it didn't have to deal with these emotions.

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Hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review. :-)

-AL


	4. Chapter 4

So, today, Brennan still isn't happy with Booth. She wants him there, but she kind of hates him at the moment. Please don't get too upset with her. Read and review. :-)

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Day 4:

I allowed myself yesterday to grieve and spill out my emotions. Today, I was calm and collected, and I went straight to work. Zack joined me today, and we worked in silence, unless we were pointing out observations that allowed us to make positive IDs on the remains, until Angela stopped by with lunch. We ate quietly while Zack worked, and we talked about anything but Booth. Angela told me how she and Hodgins hoped to be getting the divorce papers out of her husband soon so that they could get married. I told her about the remains Zack and I were able to identify before lunch.

Angela used this time to convince me to go shopping. I packed up early, and we went to the mall. I got blue and green blouses, skirts to match, and a dark blue dress that Angela said "made my eyes look like iridescent sapphires". The dress hugged my curves in just the right ways, and I knew that Booth would say that I looked breath-taking. Everything reminded me of my deceased partner.

I wanted the guy hugs and Thai nights, and the way he read me like an open book. I wanted to see his eyes dance as he gave me his charm smile. I wanted lunch at the Diner where he let me steal his fries. I just wanted more time with him. And that was the one thing I'd never have. Why did I have to let him get into my life? Why did I let myself lower my walls for him? Just like always, I let someone in and get close to me, and that person left me. _Booth_ left me.

I wouldn't make that mistake again.

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And, there's Day 4. The next day will be Day 7, and you'll see why when I post. Hope you liked it! But, don't leave me guessing. Leave a review, please!

:-)

-AL


	5. Chapter 5

So, here we are with Day 7. Poor Bren is really upset this chapter. :-(

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Day 7:

I've been working so much lately that I haven't written in a few days. I got home and fell asleep immediately the past few nights. I would wake up the next morning still wearing my clothes from the previous day because I was so tired.

I've been working so much, because I realized something that I have a hard time admitting to anyone. But, as no one else will read this, I feel okay in saying it. I am in love with Booth.

I don't know when it happened, but it's clear as day _how_ it happened. He's the best man that I've ever known. Brave, honorable, admirable, a good father. He had a good sense of humor, and he was patient. He had a deep rooted sense of right and wrong. He was _very_ attractive. After getting to know Booth, it was impossible for me _not_ to fall in love with him.

And the realization that I love Booth came way too late. I'd never have the chance to tell him.

They've set a date for the funeral. It's a week from today. I can't go. I refuse to say goodbye. If I don't go, maybe there's a chance that none of this was real. It's illogical, I know that. But, I've never considered my life after Booth. Our jobs are—were, as I refuse to work with another agent—dangerous. We've both been in plenty of near death experiences. But, we always pulled through. Until now. And, now, I didn't know how to say goodbye. Not to Booth.

Tears were pricking behind my eyes again, something I hadn't allowed since the third day after his death. I didn't want to cry again. I ran out the door and headed to his apartment. I found his spare key under the fake rock in front of his door, unlocked the door, and ran back to his bedroom. I curled up in his bed, and there, I let myself cry. I rolled myself into a ball and held his pillow, sobbing into it while letting his unique pheromones that filled the room surround me. I was empty without Booth here.

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And, there we have it. Hope you enjoyed. Leave a review, please. :-)

-AL


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, here we go with Day 8. The last we saw of Bren, she was curled up in Booth's bed crying. Let's see how she reacts...

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Day 8:

This morning I woke up in Booth's apartment. I didn't realize where I was at first, but when it hit me, I left immediately. I went home, changed, showered, and went to work. I would not allow myself to be so weak again. I couldn't. The shower allowed me to scrub away all emotions that I didn't need.

Today, I declined Zack's help and refused lunch with Angela. I needed to work. To shut all my emotions in a box like I was so good at. I could do it for a little while, but the box just burst open again. I don't know why it was so hard to get over.

Angela tried to get me to go home, but I couldn't. Not when I was feeling more pain than I've ever felt. It worried her when I said no, but I couldn't leave. I made excuses about how the skeleton wasn't identified yet.

I didn't know how to deal with my broken heart. I'd always been used to people leaving until Booth. Even Angela would have left until I got her this job at the Jeffersonian. Sometimes I think she still might. But, even when I wanted nothing to do with Booth, he tried. He wanted to be a part of my life. He kept trying to contact me during that year apart. And when I finally let him be a part of my life, he proved that he wouldn't leave me. But, then he took that damn bullet.

I wish that bullet had hit me instead. He wouldn't have left his son, his career that helped save countless of people, or me. I wished that he wasn't so damn protective. If only he was still here. I missed him so much.

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I feel really bad writing this. I hope you guys are enjoying it. Please review!

-AL


	7. Chapter 7

Okay, another short one, but I hope that you like it. :-) I also hope that this is a better, more emotional read thanks to some tips from **jazzyproz**, one of my favorite writers and biggest fans for my "Bones" pieces. She tries to review every one of them, and I love her for it, among many reasons. :-)

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Day 10:

Angela refused to accept my excuses to stay in the lab. She flat out told me that she wouldn't let me starve myself or work myself to death. She made sure that I ate both lunch and dinner. Then, she stayed and got me home by 8pm. She just didn't know that I returned to the Jeffersonian. I waited over two hours before going back, knowing that she might stay in the parking garage, but I don't think that was necessary. She probably went straight home, or she left to spend time with Dr. Hodgins.

I worked well into the night tonight, focused on remains from Limbo. I ended up arriving home at 3am. I'd always been good at running on little sleep. That was an imperative for a Forensic Anthropologist. You never knew when you could sleep if you were working a dig, or in my case, solving crime. Of course, I would no longer have to deal with the hours of a crime solver; I could determine my own hours. They would be long hours. I showered and allowed myself a couple hours of sleep before returning to work. After coffee, no one would know how little sleep I'd gotten. It was a common routine for me.

I was the master at keeping my emotions hidden. No one knew how much it hurt to return to working on remains that were no more recent than the Civil War, unless I was needed for a special case. No one knew how I fought tears every time something reminded me of Booth. No one knew how my heart squeezed whenever someone said "bones". No one knew that I would rather be dead than wake up every day without Booth.

Sweets came to see me today. He tried to talk to me, and I refused. He was persistent until I used the remains I was working on to make him feel ill and he left. Sweets would not ever be a part of my grieving process. It might not be wise to keep everything bottled inside of me, but I refused to talk to a psychologist. I just couldn't bare myself to Sweets like that.

No one really believed that I was fine, but no one challenged it. They know how I work, and I don't break down. I don't rely on others. Because in the end, all I have is myself. I'm the only one that I can count on. Everyone else is capable of leaving me.

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Okay, there is that. I hope that you enjoyed, but don't leave me guessing. I love reviews. :-)

-AL


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